Integrating 2020 - its been a wild ride.
“Your daily life is your temple and your religion. Act in awareness, act consciously and naturally — many things will start changing.” Osho
I haven’t posted anything to this page since February when all things book related came to a halt for me as I took a deep breath and regrouped a bit. In late January, 2020, I had a huge jolt when horrifying allegations of sexual abuse, rape, and psychological abuse came out about Yogi Bhajan (YB). These allegations have now been independently investigated and found more likely than not true; and I believe the revelations of the myriad of victims who have come forward telling their stories of deep personal trauma at the hands of this man — this man whom I quote and refer to in my book, Integration Alchemy.
My first response was deep sadness, anger and a sense of wanting to drop kundalini yoga altogether and for good. I have many other meditation techniques and teachers in my tool kit. This “just move on” approach didn’t complete the process as I had hoped. I had to go deeper and recognize that I was actually deeply affected by the revelations. I felt old trauma of my own resurface and I had disturbing dreams. I found myself at times regressing into old patterns and not knowing why because for me this wasn’t exactly a deeply personal relationship. Yes, I quote him in my book. Yes, I had a photo of him on my altar. But he never was my “guru” and I certainly didn’t think of him as being my spiritual teacher – but he was the “father” of the kundalini yoga I had been studying for the last six years, he was the guy who delivered all of my beloved kriyas and I loved reading what he said about the effects of each kriya and truthfully I took his word in this respect as “gospel”.
Which is why I was so upset as I looked deeper into the truths coming out about this man. Come to find out not only was he a cruel and sadistic man, he also had lied about his yoga lineage. He appropriated the teachings from a teacher he studied with in India when he was 18. The legend that he started practicing at age 4 and became a “master at 16” was completely false. He also appropriated the Sikh religion and so I felt embarrassed and outright foolish for falling for this “story”. Discernment. I advised my reader’s to exercise discernment with teachers. Hoo.
After taking several months off, doing other meditations such as Osho active meditations, I came back to kundalini yoga a few months ago and am happy to be back in attunement with my beloved yoga practice. I have consciously and with awareness taken YB out of my practice and teaching. I find that the kriyas stand on their own and have been very consciously bringing awareness to how they impact my system – body/mind/spirit. One concrete example of how I have removed YB energy from my practice is with the opening mantra. Ek OM kar is the traditional beginning of Guru Nanak’s Mul Mantra and that is how I chant it. YB changed it to Ong and with OM I find myself back in the truth. Simple modifications like this have made me more comfortable and I now feel a sense of freedom in my practice that I find liberating. I sometimes drum when I chant rather than stick to the prescribed mudras, etc. In essence my kundalini yoga practice is now my own.
It took me all of this time to find this path through. Along the way I let go of my book, Integration Alchemy, as I thought it was tainted with the YB references. Now with a clear conscious I am in the process of rewriting it a bit – adding some new sections, deleting YB references, etc. and it feels good to be back in the flow.
This year has been difficult. After the revelations about YB came out I got very sick in early March and I believe I had the virus. After three weeks I started to feel a bit better but continued to experience extreme fatigue and a brain fog along with depression/regression which was quite intense. I was easily triggered by my fellow travelers and had to take stock and responsibility for the fact that what was happening was old, old trauma resurfacing in a new way, asking to be felt and healed. Painful and humbling. I had to apologize several times to people I was grumpy with who were just also trying to get through this trying time as well. This continued through most of August and so it was trying and frustrating. My partner and I experienced the stay at home time together and it was great to be in such a loving relationship during this time. The virus has changed our lives and shut down our meditation retreats for now, there is the civil unrest caused by the ongoing racism (let me just say Black Lives Matter) which deeply affected me, the upcoming election (Biden Harris and blue!!!), and all of this has been good cause to lay low and go inward. I thought about posting integration suggestions but then realized who am I to suggest how to integrate this - when I am in that process, myself.
Simultaneously through all of this, I've been supporting our beloved nonprofit Osho Leela Meditation Center here in Boulder as the main marketing person, writing the newsletters and SM posting. Since our doors are closed we have been full on with Zoom meditations and offerings. We have been open for over 25 years and were one of the very first Osho centers in the states and I am proud to keep this light going for my fellow seekers and myself.
Disillusioned as I was by the revelations about YB I also took quite a wide segue way into a totally different area – I wanted to do something completely separate from “spirituality”. Inspired by the March 2020 National Geographic cover with the piles of fast fashion in the landmine, I decided to learn about this incredibly wasteful industry and do something about it. This was a nice way of chopping wood and carrying water. I researched, shopped thrift stores, and sold second hand clothing both via an eBay store and to consignment shops in town. I called my little company Thread Dare – Dare to Rewear with the idea of teaching people about how our fashion whims/waste are contributing to the destruction of our Mother Earth and it was quite a humbling experience. I sold some clothes, bought a bunch of clothes that weren’t quite good enough to resale, and learned that running away from my true heart focus was no good. I have since closed this operation down and am not sure yet what I will do with the webpage and eBay store I created for it. Maybe a hobby. I do plan on writing an article about all that I learned during this time, so stay tuned.
So here I am, Now. I recently offered a workshop on Kundalini Yoga and Anxiety and had a great time and received feedback that the exercises I put together were helpful and easy to use both as a daily practice and perhaps more importantly on the go. I am working on a book and online program about anxiety with yoga and other techniques that can help. I’m in a good flow. But first I am finally finishing the rewrite of Integration Alchemy with the goal of having that done by the end of this month, October.
My partner and I have spent the summer home for the most part. A few outdoor dinners with close friends, a wonderful camping trip with my brother, sister-in-law and precious niece, and a few short weekend camping trips. I feel so blessed to have had this time to recoup, heal on a deeper level and come back to what I really want to share here. As you can imagine all of this has been a process and I have been integrating my own experience of 2020 and all that has come to the surface for healing. It’s been humbling and full on. I feel centered and focused now for the first time since March really and I am grateful for that. I would love to hear how it has been going for you and am sending you all much love and gratitude.
Much love, always 💗